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Tag Archives: zero-stars

The 30-Minute Blowjob (XXXX): After Reading This, You Still Have 28 Minutes to Practice

The 30-Minute Blowjob (XXXX): After Reading This, You Still Have 28 Minutes to Practice

photo credit: Oregon State University

Eva Arlington, The 30 Minute Blowjob: How to Give Him the Best BJ Ever in 30 Minutes or Less (no publisher listed, no date listed)

bj

I’m always impressed when a cover design uses a fresh, exciting metaphor. photo credit: my copy

In the bedroom, tramp, bitch, slut, and whore are all interchangeable and synonymous with babycakes, honey, and ‘I Love You’.”

Even if the rest of the slim, common-sense volume were packed to the brim with the Secrets of the Ancient Mayan Temple Prostitutes or something, that sentence on its own would drop my rating here three stars or more. And since it’s not, well, there’s not too far to go before hitting zero.

Sarah Swallows (2012): …But You Don’t Have To

photo credit: Oregon State University

Francine Forthright, Sarah Swallows (Mmmmmore, 2012)

swallows

This might have been less offensive had she swallowed lye. photo credit: my copy

SPOILER ALERT

Spoiler Alert!

There is one way to get an instant and automatic zero-star rating from me: include a scene that starts out as rape and ends as conventional sex. It’s even worse when that scene is the entire book. (zero)

Four of Hearts (2013): Deuce of Spades

Four of Hearts (Eric Haywood, 2013)

Four-of-Hearts-DVD-cover

Revised tagline: some legs can’t be uncrossed. photo credit: galleryhip.com

First off: while I don’t necessarily consider talking about the content of a character’s character to be a spoiler for a movie, there are those who might. As such, this review can be considered to have spoilers. Proceed with caution.

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Read and Masturbate vol. 3 (2012): Not a Chance

photo credit: Oregon State University

Anonymous (ed.), Read and Masturbate, vol. 3 (No publisher listed, 2012)

ram

Bleed and obfuscate. photo credit: my copy

This is another of those pieces of cheap Kindle porn that seems as if the compiler simply harvested pieces from one of the alt.sex.stories.* newsgroups and cut/pasted to form this. Thievery issues aside, conceptually, such things would be good if the compiler has a little taste. Practically, however, I’m waiting to read my first one that’s actually worth reading. The two stories presented here, both of which have Indian narrators, are just as amateurish as in any other thing like this I’ve reviewed, but there’s a much uglier, darker, and more offensive tone here than usual: both of these stories revolve around rape. (No, there’s no difference between “non-consensual sex” and rape, and if you think there is, you’re part of the problem.) As a result, I did indeed complete the first half of the title’s directive, but the second couldn’t have been farther from my mind. (zero)

Emelie (2015): When a Stranger Traumatizes

Emelie (Michael Thelin, 2015)

Emelie (Sarah Bolger)'s face dominates the top half of the white poster, with the children underneath, much smaller.

You may never want to leave the house again. Photo credit: flickeringmyth.com

In the interests of full disclosure: while I tried not to let my personal feelings about certain aspects of the film influence what I thought of it (believe me, I have more than enough empirical reasons to give it the rating it got), there is no way I could have walked out of this film unbiased. In fact, I probably wouldn’t have gone to see it at all had I realized some of the details that fit portions of my life that are, shall we say, in a state of disintegration. I found a great deal of this movie painful to watch for reasons that very few other people will. But don’t worry, if you decide to subject yourself to this sleazy, hateful excuse for celluloid, you’ll probably find your own reasons to walk out of the theater horrified that anyone would have greenlit, much less produced, this movie.

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Affections (2012): Objections

Warren L. G. DeMills, Affections (No press listed, 2012)

Had I been planning on giving this any stars, it would have lost them for incomplete information.

A tree-lined path adorns the cover of the book.

I thought I took the road less travelled, but then I realized that wouldn’t be the case with this much landscaping.
photo credit: Amazon

Vanity-, POD-, and Self-published poetry comes in two flavors, with no middle ground: it’s either really, really good or really, really bad. If you are familiar with vanity-published work at all, you are probably not surprised by the idea that 90% of the vanity-published books you will pick up are of the latter flavor. When it comes to poetry—and I will admit right up from that my criteria for what makes a great poem is far, far stricter than it is for prose—that number tends to be closer to 99%. Now, why am I telling you all this? Well, there’s the kicker. As I write these words at the end of September 2014, Affections has eight reviews at Amazon. One of them is a three-star review (which to me means “lightly recommended”, since 2.5 is the average). All the rest are either four or five stars. So this has got to be one of the one percent, right?

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Capsule Reviews (vault): July, 2014

Peter D. Hipson, What Every Visual C++ 2 Programmer Should Know (Sams, 1994)


[originally posted 19Feb2002]

A "just the facts, ma'am" cover with the red title on a green background.

Even more dated now than when I wrote this review.
photo credit: ebay

What Every Visual C++ 2 Programmer Should Know is the perfect compliment to Gurewich and Gurewich’s Master Visual C++ 2. Both put out by Sams in the same year. Coincidence? Probably not. Everything the Gurewich book lacks is covered here. The detail and amount of code examples is lacking in comparison, but given the topics covered, that’s an excusable oversight.

What Every Visual C++ 2 Programmer Should Know looks at the more advanced features of Microsoft’s primary development platform: programming with Unicode, OLE, ODBC, multithreading, etc. It’s more a reference book than a how-to manual, but the user who’s followed and mastered the Gurewichs’ book should already have enough coding under his belt to integrate the information presented here without much trouble. The two books, taken together, provide the best introduction to Visual C++ 2 on the market, and are highly recommended for those still programming in DOS/Win3.x/Win95. *** ½

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