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Porn Shoot Massacre (2009): Now I Know Why No One Ever Thought of This Before

photo credit: Oregon State University

Porn Shoot Massacre (Corbin Timbrook, 2009)

A star, her back to the camera, sits in a chair, while the faces of the other six victims are inset next to her, on the DVD cover.

And down will come baby, harness and all.
photo credit: rockrevoltmagazine.com

I am sure that, somehow, it is possible for Porn Shoot Massacre to have been a worse film than it is. I cannot think of one off the top of my head, but I am certain it exists. Don’t believe me? I’d tell you to hit play and see for yourself, but…no.

Two of the movie's putative stars get together in a still from the film.

Let’s be honest, this is the only reason you’re here.
photo credit: examiner.com

Plot: Malfini (Bedazzled‘s Robert E. Ambrose), a mysterious director with very wealthy backers, is recruiting porn stars for a new movie. Seven of the biggest names in the business decide to give it a go. As each gets there, they discover that the set is nothing like they have ever worked on, and Malfini himself seems a little… off. Given the title of the film, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a spoiler to tell you that porn is not what Malfini is intending to film…

Malfini pontificates in a still from the film.

“It’s Grecian Formula! I swear!”
photo credit: moonwolves.wordpress.com

Here’s a bit of suspension of disbelief for you: Malfini’s mustache and beard are just as fake as Son of Ghoul’s, and yet no one seems to notice until halfway through the movie. If no one had noticed at all, I could have put it down to a special effects budget of zero. If everyone had noticed, they could have made it into a (bad, but still) running gag. Instead, they threw in the one girl who kind of notices something’s up, but doesn’t quite connect the dots. There’s an obvious conclusion to be drawn that, taken to its logical conclusion, has some pretty dark things to say about disposable characters in slasher films and what the scriptwriters who utilize them think about said characters. Or it could have just been brainless stereotyping, your call. In either case, even had the movie had a shred of sympathy by that point, it would have lost it there. I won’t go so far as to call it blatantly offensive, but it’s braindead, manages neither chills nor laughs, and is likely to have you rooting for the killer right quick. ½


Trailer.

About Robert "Goat" Beveridge

Media critic (amateur, semi-pro, and for one brief shining moment in 2000 pro) since 1986. Guy behind noise/powerelectronics band XTerminal (after many small stints in jazz, rock, and metal bands). Known for being tactless but honest.

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