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Zombie Hunter (2013): Another Bullshit Night in Suck City

Zombie Hunter (K. King, 2013)

Danny Trejo, holding an axe, towers over a scene of a zombie apocalypse on the movie's poster.

Danny Trejo spends more time on this poster than he does in the part of this movie I was able to stomach.
photo credit: newvideo.com

It is an extremely rare thing indeed for me to abandon a movie. I have watched somewhere north of four thousand films according to my spreadsheet, which is only 100% accurate past 2007, maybe 90% past 1999, and spotty before that, so the number is probably close to, if not over, five thousand (this is distinct titles, it doesn’t count, say, the over one hundred times I have seen Before Night Falls, Begotten, or Scanners, for example). In all my movie-watching career, I have abandoned, with the definition of “abandoned” here being “turned off before it was over with no intention of ever going back and watching the rest of it”, less than two dozen. As far as I can remember, the most recent file to receive that treatment was Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, which I watched (forty-five minutes of, anyway) in 2003. Ten and a half years later, the execrable Zombie Hunter has been added to the list.

It took me about thirty seconds to know this movie was going to get on my nerves. Martin Copping’s horrible, overblown, faux-tough-guy narration style is impossible to listen to. Maybe there’s less voiceover action past the thirty-four minute mark, but I will never find out. Perhaps this is the rare horror movie these days where Danny Trejo gets more than five minutes of screen time. Will never find that out either. Even the romance subplot was painfully ridiculous, setting up the nice girl against the slut, and I surely don’t need to watch the rest of the movie to know how that one’s going to turn out. The rest of the characters are about as shallow as those. That Zombie Hunter appeared on the worst of 2013 list of one Dread Central staffer is far less surprising than the fact that Zombie Hunter did not appear on the worst of 2013 lists of every Dread Central staffer; I can only assume the rest of them didn’t see it. Compared to this, their consensus worst movie of the year, Texas Chainsaw, is Oscar material. (zero)


Trailer.

About Robert "Goat" Beveridge

Media critic (amateur, semi-pro, and for one brief shining moment in 2000 pro) since 1986. Guy behind noise/powerelectronics band XTerminal (after many small stints in jazz, rock, and metal bands). Known for being tactless but honest.

One response »

  1. Pingback: Ta-Weo (The Tower) (2012): The Seoul-seidon Adventure | Popcorn for Breakfast

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