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Spiders (2000): Eight Legs of Dumb

Spiders (Gary Jones, 2000)

[originally posted 4Apr2001]

A number of generic bodies cocooned adorn the film's poster.

You just kind of expect Don Ameche to pop up, don’t you?
photo credit: horror101withdrac.blogspot.com

Gary Jones, the man who gave us the inimitably bad Mosquitoes and various episodes of Hercules and Xena, is back with yet another movie about big bugs with bad special effects. My local vidshack had this as a two-day rental, something usually reserved for popular films (to keep them on the shelves, natch), which led me to the illusion that it might actually be a worthwhile movie. More fool me.

An explorer has a nasty encounter with one of the title creatures in a still from the film.

“Okay, the 72-ounce steak was probably too much.”
photo credit: listal

Once I figured out that it was typical Grade-Z shlock, I wanted to like it. Really. Some of Hollywood’s best films of the 80s are on this scale of badness (Night of the Creeps comes to mind, and the wonderfully silly Troll). Problem is, those movies had something that transcended the stupidity. Maybe they just didn’t take themselves seriously—a flaw this film has in spades.

Lana Parrilla is menaced by a giant spider in a still from the film.

“Look, I know you think I’m hot, but…I was kind of hoping we could just be friends?”
photo credit: metro.co.uk

It is, however, the first leading role for up-and-coming actress Lana Parrilla (who also popped up in a much more minor way in last year’s cult hit Very Mean Men), who, if there is any justice in this world, will be a supermodel soon. Her performance—at least until the obligatory love story crops up towards the end of the film—is the only thing that makes this halfway watchable. Had they spent a few more million on special effects and gotten a better supporting cast, it might have been watchable all the way round; of course, it wouldn’t have been a Gary Jones joint, either. *

 


Trailer.

About Robert "Goat" Beveridge

Media critic (amateur, semi-pro, and for one brief shining moment in 2000 pro) since 1986. Guy behind noise/powerelectronics band XTerminal (after many small stints in jazz, rock, and metal bands). Known for being tactless but honest.

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