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Spiders (2013): Eight Legs of Stupid

Spiders (Tibor Takács, 2013)

A massive spider confronts some minuscule humans on the movie poster.

Well, since the poster tells you the spiders are big, that stops limiting my screenshot choices.
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What possessed me? What could have possibly entered my head to make me say “hey, this movie was directed by Tibor Takács, who hasn’t made a watchable movie since 1987, and here we are twenty-five years later, so the obvious thing I should be doing right now is pressing play!”? I can’t answer that question, but I can confidently report to you now that Spiders, Takács’ latest piece of celluloid garbage, as just as accomplished as such timeless Takács classics as Mansquito (I actually own that one!), Ice Spiders, Mega Snake, and Meteor Storm.



One of the movie's overgrown arachnids chows down on a girder in this still from the film.

“Are you sure you’re getting enough iron in your diet?”
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Plot: the Soviets have been developing something on a space station, which meets disaster thanks to a stray meteoroid. (This scene looks remarkably like the space station being destroyed in the trailer for the upcoming Sandra Bullock film Gravity, to the point where I wondered if both used the same stock footage.) A piece of it crash lands in the New York City subway system, and the NY politicos send Jason (Starship Troopers‘ Patrick Muldoon, whose career has unfortunately not gotten any better since 1999), a middle-management subway muckety-muck, to investigate. He finds big holes and, more alarmingly, a few dead homeless folks who don’t look like they got hit with debris. He digs some eggs out of one and takes them home to his wife Rachel (Drive Angry‘s Christa Campbell), who conveniently happens to be a scientist. Problem is, The former-Soviet geneticist who was in charge of the project before the Union was dissolved (Blade II‘s Pete Lee-Wilson) and his army handler (Aliens‘ William Hope) want those eggs…and they will stop at nothing, including kidnapping Jason and Rachel’s daughter Emily (The Ward‘s Sydney Sweeney) and her hot babysitter (Conan the Barbarian‘s Shelly Varod) to get them.

Another massive spider tears up a subway train in this still from the film.

You never know WHAT’S in those tunnels!
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If you’ve seen any two random Tibor Takács movies since The Gate, you know exactly what to expect here. (If you haven’t, more power to ya.) Braindead script, shoddy camerawork, overdramatic soundtrack, you name it. Even those rare times when Takács manages to come up with crack cast members (the nadir of Ron Perlman’s career was acting in Takács’ Rats in 2002), he manages to pull the worst performances you’ve ever seen out of them, so with a cast like this, you know you’re going to get glimpses of cheeseball glory. Problem is, even the glory is missing from this one, it’s just dreary. Dumb, predictable, not even worth watching for the terrible special effects. Give it a miss. ½ 



About Robert "Goat" Beveridge

Media critic (amateur, semi-pro, and for one brief shining moment in 2000 pro) since 1986. Guy behind noise/powerelectronics band XTerminal (after many small stints in jazz, rock, and metal bands). Known for being tactless but honest.

One response »

  1. Pingback: Texas Chainsaw (2013): You Really Liked Maniac Better Than This? | Popcorn for Breakfast

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