Infected (Glenn Ciano, 2013)
I saw Glenn Ciano’s directorial debut, 2011’s Inkubus, a few months ago. It certainly wasn’t great cinema by any means, but I didn’t feel like I’d completely wasted an hour and a half of my life after I finished watching it. I have now seen Ciano’s follow-up, 2013’s Infected, and this time I can say without any hesitation whatsoever that I feel exactly like that. This isn’t just the worst movie I’ve seen this month, it’s one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen period. What can you say about a movie that starts out with a voice-over about how the world is plagued by a blood infection that turns people into bloodthirsty monsters, follows that up with a scene of a group of people attempting to defend a cabin from said bloodthirsty monsters, and then within five minutes after that shows a scene of a nerd and a prostitute tramping through the same woods (a scene that seems as if it was added after the rest of the movie was completed because it was lacking any nudity? Yeah, the editing there wasn’t the best…) Yeah, it’s that bad.
Plot, what little there is of it: Louis Hartley (Reservoir Dogs‘ Michael Madsen) is on a hunting trip with his son Andrew (Tom DeNucci, returning from Inkubus). There’s a lot of tension there, but the two of them find themselves united against a common enemy—an epidemic of infected human beings (think 28 Days Later… here, this movie bears more than a passing resemblance, except that one is actually good) who seem to take offense at the existence of the uninfected anywhere near them.
Okay, I have to admit (and note the spoiler alert stop sign at the
beginning of this paragraph if you’re reading this at var.ev., but I have seen the Big Twist revealed in so many reviews I’m not going to balk at doing it either) that I was kinda-sorta okay with this movie, in that ultra-guilty-pleasure way of “I can’t believe I’m sitting there watching this crap” until we got to the part where they reveal the reason all these people have gone nutzoid…I actually yelled at the TV. “LYME DISEASE?”Yeah, they actually went there. Were it not for that, I might have considered giving this a star, maybe even a star and half (okay, I know it’s pervy, but I have a thing for Christy Carlson Romano, live with it). But that put the kibosh on any halfway decent feeling I might have had for this tripe and assured it a place in the nether realms of my 100 Worst list. Do yourself a favor and, if you know this movie exists, forget. (zero)