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Worst I Saw, 2013 Edition

You know the drill by now, right? No matter how wasted you are, if you stumble upon one of these on Netflix, whatever you do, for the love of celluloid, do not click play:

25. Stripperland (Sean Skelding, 2011)

This take-off of the poster for Zombieland has the principal cast seen through the spread legs of a zombie stripper.

“I have to admit, I did not see this one coming. It just never occurred to me when I didn’t see the Asylum’s logo anywhere on this that it was going to end up being a Zombieland mockbuster. Silly me. But by the time we hit their take on the running Twinkie gag from that far, far superior movie, I knew there was no way this pile of tripe was going to be able to rescue itself from the latrine it had dug itself. Unfortunately, I was all too right.”

24. Hell’s Gate 11:11 (Michael Bafaro, 2004)

photo credit: Amazon

“This main flaw is backed up by any number of others, most notably the writing, which sounds more like a bad pop song than a film script much of the time (does any sober person over the age of sixteen actually use the phrase “this is my solemn promise” in a sentence?).”

23. Occultic War (Mac Collins Chidebe, 2005)

Two of the film's principals adorn this cheapie movie poster that looks more like the cover of a vanity-published pulp novel.

Occultic War[…]takes the usual religious themes of Nollywood and crosses them with gangsta lifestyles and supernatural warfare and comes up with something that even Kirk Cameron, had he been involved in its making, would likely have disowned. Yes, I’m telling you this is even worse than the Omega Code movies.”

22. Spiders (Tibor Takacs, 2013)

A massive spider dwarfs New York City in the movie's poster.

What possessed me? What could have possibly entered my head to make me say ‘hey, this movie was directed by Tibor Takács, who hasn’t made a watchable movie since 1987, and here we are twenty-five years later, so the obvious thing I should be doing right now is pressing play!’?”

21. Escape from L.A. (John Carpenter, 1996)

Kurt Russell surrounded by flames in the movie poster.

Escape from L.A., on the other hand, puts Carpenter in a unique position in the annals of Goat Central: he is the only director to have the first film in a series in my thousand best movies of all time list and a later film in the series in my hundred worst.”

20. The Hotel!! (Anukul Jarutok, 2002)

An indistincti figure is walking towards the hotel of the title on the cover of this VCD release of the film.

I have turned off very, very few movies over the course of my life without intending to ever go back and finish them, probably less than a dozen all told. I’ve come close on fifty or so others, but in recent memory, I have never come so close so many times as I did while watching the incoherent, shoddy mess that is The Hotel!!.”

19. Lisa e il Diavolo (The House of Exorcism) (Mario Bava, 1974)

A badly-rendered painting of Elke Sommer running from...something...graces the movie poster.

That said, I may have finally found the movie that will put me off [Mario Bava] forever, Lisa e il Diavolo. Incoherent, rambling, badly-paced, and one of the largest wastes of A-list talent I have ever experienced, this movie would be best-served with the piquant odor of burning celluloid.”

18. Elevator (Stig Svendsen, 2011)

photo credit: cinema.usc.edu

“[T]he characters in this movie are so stupid that… well, I’ll put it this way: it takes them until minute forty-nine of the movie’s eighty-one-minute running time to decide to try opening the doors to find out whether the elevator got stuck in a place where they would actually be able to simply walk out of it.”

17. Zombie Massacre (Luca Boni and Marco Ristori, 2013)

In the movie poster, the main villain (a zombie, of course) looms large over the principal cast.

“[T]hat’s the problem with this movie—it’s a paint-by-numbers recreation of a string of scenes you’ve seen in dozens, maybe hundreds, of better movies (and when I’m looking at something like The Zombie Diaries 2 and thinking it’s better than this, man, you’ve really hit the bottom of the barrel).”

16. Terror Trap (Dan Garcia, 2010)

photo credit: joblo.com

“I suspect there’s a cadre of Hollywood lawyers who have it down to a science how many scenes have to be different in order to stop studio A from suing studio B for plagiarism, and this movie is right on the border.”

15. 11/11/11 (Keith Allan, 2011)

Byerly stares menacingly at the viewer in the movie poster.

“It’s bad enough when The Asylum is doing mockbusters of Darren Lynn Bousman movies; I believe this may be the first time I actually went into an Asylum mockbuster fully expecting it to be better than the original.”

14. Unknown Origin (Scott P. Levy, 1995)

Roger Ebert once said that any movie whose poster featured a line of stars' headshots was guaranteed to be awful. This poster does.

“This movie probably had ten times Grabbers‘ budget, but I’ve no idea where it went; it looks like it was made for three cases of beer and ten bucks on borrowed equipment and stock that had been thrown away for being years past its expiration date. If the actors worked for scale, the production company should sue them for fraud.”

13. The Age of Stupid (Franny Armstrong, 2008)

Pete Postlethwaite, the film's narrator, is almost showed out of the poster by the title.

Somewhere in the innards of The Age of Stupid is a really, really good idea. But Franny Armstrong beat, pummelled, tortured, and scarred it until it was a twisted, unrecognizable, hateful, murderous shell of itself, the insane stepbrother of 12 Monkeys that was kept locked in the basement and fed nothing but dead rats until it was forty-five years old, then kicked out of the house and left to forage for itself.”

12. Don’t Look in the Cellar (Dennis Devine, 2008)

photo credit: IMDB

“This is a cast who, if they were paid in beer, got far too much for the work they turned in.”

11. A Darker Reality (Chris Kazmier, 2008)

photo credit: IMDB

“We’ll start with the bad points, then move to the good. Oh, wait: ‘good’ doesn’t apply to this movie.”

10. The Brothel (Amy Waddell, 2008)

A number of ladies of the evening frolic sensuously on the DVD cover.

“There is really no tactful way to say this, so: Brothel (which may or may not have a The in front of it depending on which website you look at) is an unforgivably bad film, a Hallmark Original Movie with added profanity and nudity, but with the same new-age-inspirational-claptrap feel to it that gets the panties of the Hallmark Channel execs wet every time they encounter it in a bad DTV movie.”

9. Alice in Murderland (Dennis Devine, 2010)

photo credit: familyvideo.com

Alice in Murderland, a ridiculous attempt at making a themed slasher film, is one of the single worst movies I have ever actually sat all the way through. It comes in at much less than an hour and a half, but it feels like twice that length.”

8. 666 Revealed (Garry and Michael Gibson, 2006)

photo credit: usa.istreamguide.com

“Case in point: 666 Revealed, the single lowest-rated movie on Netflix Instant as I write this, and a case-study in why you should not put the “documentary” you produced for your charismatic Christian church up on Netflix for a wider audience to see.”

7. Hellraiser: Revelations (Victor Garcia, 2011)

photo credit: IMDB

“[H]ere’s the question you have to mull over: is it even remotely possible that even a PG-13 remake [of the original Hellrasier] could be worse than Hellraiser: Revelations?”

6. Fading of the Cries (Brian A. Metcalf, 2011)

photo credit: gorgview.com

“Metcalf , turning in his first feature, does his level best to make sure that every piece of miscasting to be found here is exploited to the very limits of its potential for confusion, which is also a fine description of the viewer’s reaction to Brad Rushing (Shrieker)’s puzzling, sometimes ridiculous, choices with the cinematography.”

5. Infected (Glenn Ciano, 2013)

A hungry zombie is trying to break through a chained door in the movie poster.

What can you say about a movie that starts out with a voice-over about how the world is plagued by a blood infection that turns people into bloodthirsty monsters, follows that up with a scene of a group of people attempting to defend a cabin from said bloodthirsty monsters, and then within five minutes after that shows a scene of a nerd and a prostitute tramping through the same woods (a scene that seems as if it was added after the rest of the movie was completed because it was lacking any nudity? Yeah, the editing there wasn’t the best…) “

4. Hollow (Michael Axelgaard, 2011)

A tree with a skull face in the bark and two hangman's nooses dangling from the branches decorates the movie poster.

Sometimes, during those brief moments of lucidity when my head clears a little and I can step back from the Netflix Instant queue, I ask myself why it is I continue to watch movies in subgenres that were played out before they even got popular.”

3. Rise of the Zombies (Nick Lyon, 2012)

Danny Trejo's face takes up seven-eighths of the movie poster.

By the time the title card with “The Asylum Presents” came up five minutes into this movie, I already knew that its place at the very bottom of my 321-item Netflix Instant queue was well-deserved. I didn’t realize it was going to get as much worse as it did, though[.]”

2. The Last Broadcast, Chapter Two: Pandora’s Dawn (Michael G. Petersen, 2013)

The principal cast stand in front of the house where most of the action takes place in this poster for the movie.

“I’ve expanded my viewpoint a bit—this particular episode is not necessarily attempting to bait-and-switch its way into sequel status, Petersen is just trying to capitalize on the name of an unrelated (and far, far superior) film in order to draw attention to this series. I still end up at the same place though—this is a terrible piece of filmmaking, but were it attempting to stand on its own feet, I don’t think I would have hated it quite as much as I actually did.”

1. Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (Ryan Thompson, 2011)

photo credit: Beyond Hollywood

“I loathed Zombie Apocalypse; in my review of that one, I said (and Amazon saw fit to quote), “There is not a single thing about this movie that might make you want to watch it.” And yet I just found myself watching the sequel, Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption, the lowest-rated movie on my Netflix queue. I was entirely unsurprised at how awful this movie was; it is, in fact, even worse than Zombie Apocalypse. What did surprise me, however, is the ways in which it was awful. Redemption has sweet FA to do with the original movie. Now, had Ryan Thompson learned a few things about how to make movies between filming the first one and filming the second, that might have been a good thing. Unfortunately, he didn’t.

Plot: Redemption takes place in the same universe as the original film, at some point in the future, after someone (it is never explained who) has decided to bomb the planet in order to get rid of the zombie problem. As a side effect, this has turned most of the planet’s surface into a desert wasteland where bands of survivors prey on one another for food, water, and other supplies while avoiding the zombies that remain. Knox (Whip It‘s Johnny Gel), a former military man and former raider, finds himself taken in by a band of survivors led by the enigmatic Moses (M*A*S*H‘s Fred Williamson, who looks damn good for being over seventy). Unfortunately, the leader of his former crew, Rome (The Spirit of Mumbai‘s Jerry Lynch), will stop at nothing to retrieve his former employee…and anyone who gets in the way can be considered collateral damage, living or undead.

There’s really nothing to say about this movie other than “it’s godawful.” As with the first film, every last aspect of it—the acting, the direction, the lighting in the interior scenes, the soundtrack, anything else you would consider while thinking about making a movie—ranges from substandard to downright inept. I considered on a number of occasions simply turning this off while not intending to come back to it, something I have only done with a handful of movies over the course of my movie-watching career (my spreadsheet isn’t complete by any means, but as of now it lists 3,507 movies; I have abandoned less than ten). This is the closest I have come in a great while. One of the worst movies I have ever seen. (zero)

About Robert "Goat" Beveridge

Media critic (amateur, semi-pro, and for one brief shining moment in 2000 pro) since 1986. Guy behind noise/powerelectronics band XTerminal (after many small stints in jazz, rock, and metal bands). Known for being tactless but honest.

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