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Zombie Massacre (2013): A-moan in the Dark

Zombie Massacre (Luca Boni and Marco Ristori, 2013)

In the movie poster, the main villain (a zombie, of course) looms large over the principal cast.

Don’t worry, the shadow government is here to save the day.
photo credit: horror-movies.ca

Be warned (or, perhaps, be heartened): as of this writing, Netflix has Zombie Massacre listed as being directed by Uwe Boll. IMDB informs me that this is not the case, and it was in fact directed by Eaters co-helmers Luca Boni and Marco Ristori. (Boll makes a cameo playing the President of the United States.) Not that this makes the end product any better. In fact—and you can be assured that I have never said this sentence before, and I would be willing to bet large sums that I will never say it again—this movie might well have been improved by having Boll at the helm. It’s that awful.

A still from the film with a zombie making a silly face.

“What did you manage to eat that even overcomes the stench of rotting flesh?”
photo credit: The Guardian

Plot: Carter (Wrath of the Crows‘ Carl Wharton), a sleazy general who, it is hinted at one point, is supposed to be the son of a former President (and we’ve only had one President named Carter, so…), puts together a team of mercenaries to go eradicate a remote village in the Ukraine where the American government has been conducting tests. You see, whatever it was they were testing got out of hand, and the town is now overrun with zombies. At the head of the troop is Jack Stone (Batman and Robin‘s Christian Boeving), not a mercenary, but Carter is willing to clear his name from a recent nasty court-martial. Under him are Mad Dog McKellen (Revenge‘s Mike Mitchell), a Scottish demolitions expert who dreams of opening a restaurant; McKellen’s best friend Dragan Ilic (The Seasoning House‘s Daniel Vivian), a Ukrainian sniper; and Eden Shizuka (Delivery‘s Tara Cardinal), a martial arts expert. Their mission: destroy the town by bombing the nuclear power plant that was the front for the experiments and, as a bonus, find Sam Neumann (Eden Lodge‘s Ivy Corbin in her first screen appearance), the daughter of the doctor who was at the head of the project before his untimely demise.

A still from the film feauring soldiers with pixellated faces.

“We’re not blurry, you’re drunk. You’d have to be to watch Zombie Massacre.”
photo credit: psnation.com

Mercenaries? Check. Zombies? Check. Hot chick with swords? Check. I could go on, and that’s the problem with this movie—it’s a paint-by-numbers recreation of a string of scenes you’ve seen in dozens, maybe hundreds, of better movies (and when I’m looking at something like The Zombie Diaries 2 and thinking it’s better than this, man, you’ve really hit the bottom of the barrel). Well, that’s the main problem with this movie. The acting ranges from the barely competent (Corbin is the highlight here; assuming she’s not just being elevated by those around her, we should be hearing more from her very soon) to the truly atrocious (Boll), the camerawork is apprentice-level most of the time, the script, written by the directors, should have been, in the words of Herman Melville, published to the flames. When the best thing I can say about a movie is “well, I finished it, and it wasn’t terribly offensive”, well, that should be enough. Avoid like the (zombie) plague. ½


Trailer, hilariously reviewed in The Guardian.

About Robert "Goat" Beveridge

Media critic (amateur, semi-pro, and for one brief shining moment in 2000 pro) since 1986. Guy behind noise/powerelectronics band XTerminal (after many small stints in jazz, rock, and metal bands). Known for being tactless but honest.

2 responses »

  1. Pingback: Worst I Saw, 2013 Edition | Popcorn for Breakfast

  2. Pingback: Texas Chainsaw (2013): You Really Liked Maniac Better Than This? | Popcorn for Breakfast

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