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Virgin Witch (1972): You Stupid Woman!

Virgin Witch (Ray Austin, 1972)


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The Virgin Witch can do it all!…except act, really.

If you hear the name Vicki Michelle and you jump in your seat, you want to see this movie. (Note, after my terrible experience with Bloodsucker Leads the Dance a few weeks back: while Redemption Video got their hands on this, thankfully, that is not the cut you can find on Netflix Instant as I write this.) If you don’t, then you can safely pass it by without a worry, but to fill you in: Michelle played Yvette, one of the perpetually-horny waitresses in the smash Britcom ‘Allo Allo! in the eighties and early nineties. And that, my friends, is absolutely, positively the only reason you would want to watch this otherwise ridiculous waste of celluloid.


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“It’s okay, I’m gay.”

Plot: Michelle and her sister Ann play (not surprisingly) sisters Betty and Christine, new to London, slightly lonely, and looking for jobs as models. Betty is the first to find herself a beau, Johnny (The Spy Who Loved Me‘s Keith Buckley), but Christine is the first to land herself a job. It involves a photo shoot out at a country estate and, since she has no idea what she’s in for, Christine only agrees to do it if Betty will go along. The agency agrees, and off they go into the country. They soon learn that the house is, anecdotally, located on a site that was the home of many pagan rituals back in the old days. And perhaps in the not-so-old days…

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“Erm…perhaps we should rethink this title?”


All of which could make for a good atmospheric Brit horror film in the right hands (read: Hammer’s), but Austin—who made only one feature film after this (1974’s Curse of the Dead), but became a very popular TV director until the turn of the century—uses the plot as a premise for getting Ann Michelle out of her clothing as much as possible. And yes, some folks might consider this a spoiler, but given the first paragraph, I guarantee you are wondering if you’re still reading this—yes, Vicki Michelle does get naked, however briefly, towards the end of the film. And like I said, that is the only reason anyone could possibly have for wanting to watch this ridiculous movie forty years later. * ½


Long-form official trailer.

About Robert "Goat" Beveridge

Media critic (amateur, semi-pro, and for one brief shining moment in 2000 pro) since 1986. Guy behind noise/powerelectronics band XTerminal (after many small stints in jazz, rock, and metal bands). Known for being tactless but honest.

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