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Parasitic (2012): Tick… Tick… Tick…

Parasitic (Tim Martin, 2012)

 

photo credit: happyotter666.blogspot.com

Parasitic: a land untouched by modern dentistry.

After I watched the ridiculously bad Poker Run (q.v., elsewhere this ish), I thought I had pretty much hit the bottom of the barrel for the week’s viewing. It turns out I couldn’t have been more wrong, and the reason for that is Parasitic, a brutally bad attempt at a horror film whose average rating on IMDB right now is a woeful 2.0. If it had enough votes to appear in the IMDB Bottom 100, that would rank it somewhere between #11 and #31. If you’re looking for a second opinion, head over to Rotten Tomatoes. There, it has the distinction of being one of only a handful of films whose audience rating is zero percent. (Note: these numbers were mined on Feb. 14, 2013.) If it helps you to gauge how entirely awful this movie is, other films with 2.0 ratings at IMDB include Glitter, Track of the Moon Beast, and House of the Dead. Even the legendarily awful Bill Cosby flick Leonard Part 6 has a 2.2 rating. Yes, it’s that bad. Normally, when it comes to movies that have been uniformly savaged by the crowds at IMDB and/or RT, I will attempt to find some small facet of that movie worth defending. I’ve even tried to defend Manos: The Hands of Fate. (Come on, catfights!) But Parasitic is a movie so awful that I cannot find a single thing—not one minor acting performance, not one camera angle, not even a snippet of the soundtrack, that makes this dog anything less than one of the worst movies ever made.

 

photo credit: 300mblinks.com

You’ve all heard that boast, right? ORIGINAL SOURCE, RIGHT HERE.

Plot: A strip club has closed for the night, and the late-night crew are trying to get cashed out and go home. Problem is, owner Val (Bianca Holland in her first screen role), who’s a control freak and insists on cashing everyone out, is nowhere to be found. See, she went to the restroom and was attacked, and infected, by some sort of space parasite. And so now she’s going to hunt down the rest of the crew and kill them one by one.

photo credit: 0sce.com

“Why am I wearing a mask? BECAUSE.”

 

There’s nothing here you haven’t seen at least a dozen times before, but to the movie’s dubious credit, I don’t think you’ve ever seen it done quite so ineptly. It’s just terrible all the way round, form the acting to the direction to the soundtrack to the lighting to the laughable CGI. There is nothing—nothing at all—about this movie that could cause me to recommend it to anyone. Please, for the love of bottle rockets, avoid this garbage. ½ 

 

Don’t believe a movie could be that awful? Trailer.

About Robert "Goat" Beveridge

Media critic (amateur, semi-pro, and for one brief shining moment in 2000 pro) since 1986. Guy behind noise/powerelectronics band XTerminal (after many small stints in jazz, rock, and metal bands). Known for being tactless but honest.

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