Goblet of Gore (Andreas Schnaas, 1996)
[note: review originally published 1Apr2010]
When fully half of a seventy-minute movie is filler, you know you’ve got a dog on your hands. And Goblet of Gore is probably the best example of this I’ve ever seen. The opening and closing title credits are far longer than most (the closing credits run almost nine minutes), there’s a five-minute music video stuck about twenty minutes into the movie, etc. There’s not a single scene that couldn’t have been trimmed. Had it been edited properly, this would have clocked in at about twenty-five minutes. You may be asking yourself how there could be a complete movie in twenty-five minutes. In the world of Andreas Schnaas, there can’t.
The plot has to do with a supernatural goblet (not surprisingly) used by the Vikings to gain power over their enemies that turns up in modern times. We get the story of how the Vikings lost it in the first place, and then a series of unconnected scenes about its exploits in the modern world, all of which are extremely explicit without ever actually managing to be erotic. Yes, folks, Andreas Schnaas can’t even manage to make a decent porn film. But that’s not my main complaint with the movie; that would be the script. You see, there are the dregs of something that might have been watchable had even as untalented a director as Ulli Lommel gotten hold of it, but Schnaas can’t even manage to reach that level of incompetence. There’s a subplot about some cops investigating the first modern-day murder scene that just disappears about three-quarters of the way through the movie. There is, of course,
not a single shred of character development. There are fake sexual organs all over the place that no one even tried to make look real. And the main/end title scenes? They’re hysterical computer-generated crap; the movie title version of a vanity-press book cover.
The one decent thing I can say about the movie is that if you’re a hard rock fan, you’ll probably dig the soundtrack as much as I did (right up till the cheesy end title theme, which should have been left on the cutting room floor). In every other aspect, this is a movie you should stay far, far away from. (zero)
No trailer on youtube, nor could I find clips form the movie, thankfully. So instead, here’s a Hallow’s Eve song with the same title that is infinitely preferable if you’re a fan of thrash metal.