Zombiegore (Maarten van Druten, 2003)
[note: review originally published 29Nov2008]
You remember those Alka-Seltzer commercials from the seventies that show up on all those funniest-commercials shows these days? “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.” Well, I feel that way about Zombiegore, except I can’t believe I watched the whole thing. Forty minutes into it, I wondered how they could come up with fifty more minutes of this silliness. And I was right to wonder, because the last fifty minutes are even worse than the first forty. I’m a huge, huge fan of awful no-budget movies– especially awful no-budget zombie movies– but this is just painful. The movie’s tagline is “Another 90 minutes of your life will be wasted by watching this movie!”. If only I’d heeded it.
The storyline, what little there is, concerns a mysterious doctor who, as far as I can tell, wants to take over the world with his pet zombies, and the law enforcement officials who are trying to stop him. That’s about as much of a plot as I can give you, and I’m probably reading too much into it. The problem (from my POV) is that the gore promised both by the title and some of the title cards before the film begins is less than nowhere in evidence; you get more gore from an average episode of The Shield than you do from this flick, and when it does show up, it’s pretty obvious they didn’t even try. I’m willing to put up with any amount of bad acting, silly script, and bad camera work for some good, fun gore, but you won’t find it here, gorehounds. This is just awful in every way. Well, in every way except one– the soundtrack is provided by a Dutch death metal band called Maggots, who I have quickly become fond of. But other than that… no, thanks. *