Malibu Shark Attack (David Lister, 2009)
[note: review originally published 1May2009]
Oh, Peta Wilson, the things I will watch for you. And not just because as you get older, you resemble more and more a co-worker on whom I had a raging crush many years ago. (Okay, no, that is the only reason.) Including unbearable dreck like Malibu Shark Attack, a movie so monstrously stupid it should come with a Surgeon General’s warning that it kills brain cells. I must say, however, that my opinion of this movie would have been entirely changed had the question “what is that?” been answered with “really bad animatronic effects, duh!”. But alas, such was not to be.
Wilson (La Femme Nikita—the TV show, not the movie) plays Heather, the leader of a Baywatch-style crew of lifeguards on the Malibu beach. There’s some stuff about underwater earthquakes, and some stuff about dolphin sharks, and needless to say, it’s the lifeguards vs. the sharks, with some other silly subplots thrown in for good measure (what’s a big-nasty-animal movie without, for example, a ruthless developer?). Not that it matters, given that the main plot is brain-dead in the first place (seriously, sharks vs. lifeguards is the whole thing). Painful to watch, but still, not the worst thing I’ve seen this week. *