Bloodlust Zombies (Dan Lantz, 2011)
I watched five movies yesterday. (Actually, five and a half, since I finished one I had started previously as well.) And I am willing to say right up front that the reason Bloodlust Zombies was, by a nose, my favorite of the bunch has to do with the exact combination of the movies I watched—because I am willing to grant this movie’s vociferous, and scathing, critics pretty much every bad thing they say about it, but in every case—every single one—I watch a much more widely-praised movie that did it worse than this one did. So, yeah, in the canon of bad—and this is a movie I decided to watch because (thanks to the wonderful Google Chrome Netflix Queue Sorter plug-in, which is in and of itself worth switching to Chrome for your primary browser if you’re a Netflix user) I sorted my queue on star + average rating and then chose something in the bottom five, which I do on occasion just for grins—this was listed as the third-lowest film in my queue. (I didn’t have the stomach for The Dead Undead, which is #1, and I’m saving #2, Bloodlust!, for watching with my infant son, who seems to be more attracted to black and white movies than color when he’s up all night.) And every one of those other movies that did something worse? They were higher up—in come cases, a lot higher up.
Plot: a high-security chemical research facility has just developed a hot new drug with military applications. There’s a spill, of course, and the facility is locked down, trapping a handful of employees inside. This chemical, naturally, transforms those it comes into contact with into ravening, blood-hungry zombie-like creatures (this is a rage movie, not a zombie movie, but, you know, six of one…), setting up the usual survive-the-night scenario.
Yes, I will give you pretty much everything bad you say about this movie. Its script? Terrible—but Red State‘s is far, far worse (and I was much more okay with the talky portions here, which at least featured snappy characters—like everyone else I will single out Lauren Todd as the movie’s best character AND best actor). The acting is crap? True—but everyone in this movie gives an Oscar-worthy performance compared to those I was exposed to in Año Bisiesto, which also covers the “the lighting is terrible”, and “the sound design is terrible”. Soundtrack woes? Man, you’ve gotta watch Baby Shower. I grant you, the soundtrack problems are only in one scene, but when you get there, you will laugh your cojones off. Trust me on this.
And, when it comes right down to it, let’s face it—you’re not watching a horror movie starring porn chanteuse Alexis Texas because you’re actually expecting a quality horror film. And from that perspective, well, this movie is so chock-full of hotties that you’ll think you’re in a strip club. (And if you had any preconceptions about this movie being serious horror, and they don’t go away in the scene where Darren [The Happening‘s Adam Danoff] is confronted by, in his words, “okay… random naked chick walking towards me…”, then you, sir, are most definitely in the wrong place.) When the porn star who gets top billing is only the third-hottest woman in the movie, you have to at least give mad props to the casting director. Am I wrong?
Go into it expecting stupid fun, and that is exactly what you will find. **